Confessions of a 3-Day Detox

T minus one week: If I eat one more cookie, I’m going to turn into one.

T minus 6 days: Homemade shortbread is not a breakfast food. But fruitcake is! So what if it’s been soaked in rum. (Hic!)

T minus 5 days: Honey, did you realize the Christmas wine glasses will hold half a bottle of wine each?

T minus 4 days: Why don’t they make Alka Seltzer with vitamins and minerals? And why does it have to be so loud? Pass the shortbread.

T minus 3 days: Hello elastic waistband, my old friend. My fingers are swollen. My complexion is dull and blotchy. I spend the entire afternoon researching “detoxify” on the interweebs and must order pizza for dinner.

T minus 2 days: Sort through the detox plans and choose one. Hey, this one is smoothies. Drink smoothies for three days. Make them yourself at home, out of healthy ingredients. I can do that!

T minus 1 day: Trip to the grocery store for a bushel of kale, celery, cucumbers,  a mountain of frozen fruit, flax seed and coconut oil.

Day 1: This breakfast smoothie isn’t bad. Raspberry and banana, with a handful of spinach. Odd color. Note to self: next time, grind the flax seed before adding them, unless flossing is going to be my new hobby.

I’m a little worried about the “lunch drink.” On line, this is the one people had the hardest time drinking. Since I don’t have a juicer, I finely slice up 4 stalks of celery, a cucumbers and half a green apple. Then a cow’s worth of kale. The coconut oil–holy crap, it’s solid at room temperature! The blender is almost full, but I manage to cram in the pineapple.

Wow. That is one green drink. A cautious sip. Not so bad. Ha. I must have a more sophisticated palate than those interweeb babies.

“Dinner drink” starts with mango, blueberries and coconut water. OK, throw in another bale of kale. Then a quarter of an avocado. That’s an odd amount. Manage not to slice off the tip of my thumb wrestling with avocado. More flax seed. And 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper. What? This one is also an odd color, brownish green, rather like a swamp. The taste is not something I would ever pay for, that’s for sure.

Day 2: Breakfast smoothie still tasty. Sure doesn’t stick with you for too long, though.

I am forced to have lunch with friends, complete with a roast beef sandwich. I’m so happy to be chewing again!

For dinner I have the less heinous green smoothie. Notice that coconut oil looks suspiciously similar to lard. Wonder if I could use it to make pie crust.  Daydream about pie while shredding kale into the blender. This time the smoothie, the largest of the lot, is harder to drink. It’s so very green and so very fibrous. And thick. I feel like I emptied the lawn mower bag into my blender. Offered a sample to dear husband, who flatly refused. Daughters both tasted it. The nicest thing they said was “Yuck.”

Day 3: The breakfast smoothie is good. I’m hungry again about 15 minutes after finishing it. Decide I do feel more energetic and alert. Think a lot about eating crackers.

The mean green smoothie is back. I wise up a little and use frozen pineapple in it, so the finished product is colder. This makes it easier to drink. The frostbite on my tongue is totally worth it. Bake a loaf of bread in the bread machine, just to torture myself.

For dinner, I throw caution to the wind and substitute frozen cherries for the blueberries. Color still weird. Cayenne still weird. Avocado still trying to kill me with a paring knife. Start obsessing over how good a single piece of toast would taste.  Watch family eat bread at dinner and ruminate over how ungrateful they are. Sloppy butterers, one and all. And why must they all chew so loud?

Day 4: I was right. Toast is the answer to everything.



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4 responses to “Confessions of a 3-Day Detox

  1. Men have always known that toast is the answer. toast with butter is heaven.

  2. Sue

    I’m with Robert. We’re not cows, we can’t do all that green. And I’m a vegetarian.

  3. You know, I’d rather eat the ingredients separately rather than all mushed up in a blender. Stir-fry the kale with onions and some teriyaki sauce, and eat slices of apple, pineapple, cucumber, and celery on the side–maybe with some peanut butter. That’s a MUCH better meal than a green smoothie!

  4. Sara

    You can use the coconut oil for pie crust! It actually is really good that way.

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