I am God’s elect.
And I can have a bigger penis.
I’m not sure if the two are related or not. But they are both vital pieces of information that I received via email.
I also learned that there are a lot of people in Africa who would like me to manage large sums of money for them, because of their “stroke condition” and being orphaned at youngest age.
Which makes me wonder if my bank is taking out billboards in developing nations, maybe with my picture on them, that say “This woman is responsible with money. Trust her! If checkbook balancing and charity toward the homeless were Olympic sports, she’d be a double gold medalist!” Otherwise, how would they know to contact me?
Sometimes when I’m at my computer, checking email or writing pithy blogs or surfing for the exact turn radius of a Jeep, and my husband is at his computer, working thanklessly on some database, I’ll throw out a comment like “I can have a larger penis!”
His reply is “No, you can’t.”
“The internet says I can.”
“The same internet that wants to give you discounted erectile dysfunction medications and cholesterol meds from Canada?”
“The very same.”
“Remind me to reset your spam filters.”
These days I also get a lot of gibberish that looks like comic strip swearing. Lots of bizarre symbols breaking up the words, so I’m not sure if they’re offering discount printer ink, snow tires or valuable coupons.
Who doesn’t love a valuable coupon?
I could also earn $89.75 a month at home. Part time.
Or maybe it’s $8,975. Again with the comic strip swears. Maybe I could earn eight thousand frigging dollars? And I’d only have to be at home part-time? They didn’t say where I’d have to go the rest of the time, but a little time outside the abode can’t be all bad.
Bally’s Fitness wants me back. They really, really want me. Well, sure, I bet they’d like a hundred customers who pay the monthly fee and never go. Woo hoo!
K-Mart is trying to woo me into their stores, and Taste of Home would like me to buy their cookbooks, which go on sale approximately 13 times every month. I don’t even subscribe to their magazine, but they’re pretty certain their cookbooks are exactly what I need.
Don’t they realize God’s elect doesnt’ have time to cook?