‘Splain it to me

There are questions that have been boggling the minds of humankind since we crawled out of the primordial ooze.

This isn’t about them.

But there are some things I just can’t figure out, and I was wondering if someone could explain them to me.

Swiffers. You know, sort of like a very flat plastic mop with a paper towel wrapped around it. The paper towel-ish bit was supposed to grab onto and pick up any sort of dirt on your floor. Except it doesn’t pick up anything heavier than dust motes. Is this product meant for obsessive-compulsives who must dust their floor three times a day? Because the thing can’t pick up to cat hair, tracked in sand, odd bits torn off the scratching post, scraps of paper, gnarled twist ties, bits of yarn, desiccated houseplant leaves or peppercorns. It glides easily over the hardwood, yes, but so do the cats when I spray them with furniture polish.

Long shorts on male teenagers. The really long ones, below the knee and often made of satiny fabrics. We have a name for that article of clothing, fellas. They’re called culottes.

Real estate. I’ll probably never understand why people have to completely redo their houses to sell them. My neighbors were told by their realtor to rip out their xeriscaping, which translates to a lower water bill, and replace it with water-sucking grass. Because nobody would look at a house without a verdant lawn, despite the fact we live in a semi-arid climate. Other friends replaced appliances and counter tops that weren’t old or damaged, at the insistence of their realtor. I don’t get it.

Guys wearing pants or shorts so low that half their butt cheeks are hanging out. Every single one of these guys looks like a two-year-old walking around with a full diaper. Nothing brings sexy back like a young man waddling around, clutching his waistband, looking like he dropped a load in his pants. Not a woman alive finds it attractive. I’m pretty sure other men don’t find it attractive, either.

Tip jars at self-service counters. I’m schlepping my own food and drink, bussing my own table, and I’m supposed to tip because you managed to smile while taking my money? I don’t think so.

Miracle Whip. To me, it’s like sweet mayonnaise, a phrase so heinous and intrinsically wrong I can barely type the words without throwing up in my mouth a little.

What are the unanswered questions in YOUR life?

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “‘Splain it to me

  1. Chris Scena

    That’s a good start MB. I would also ask:

    -Does your turn signal not work, are you lazy or are you just an @$$^)!&?

    -Is it necessary for you to talk at 100 decibels on your cellphone in public?

    -Can you tell your kid to be quiet? When my 5 year old special needs son is better behaved than a typical child the same age or older, something is wrong.

    I will stop before I really get rolling.

    Love your blog MB. Keep ’em coming.

  2. Tammy Tebo

    M.B.
    LOVE your blog! Keep em coming. There are some things that I would like splained to me also, maybe you can do that for me…….like why do teenagers feel they HAVE to get 10 new outfits to start school, when half of them are for fall, which hasn’t officially begun yet and they will be wearing the same old shorts and tees they have all summer for the first month anyhow?????
    Another, why is childcare considered ‘babysitting’ for the father and just plain old taking care of your children for the mother???
    And last but not least, why does my cat wake me up at 3:00 a.m. all lovey-dovey when at 9:00 p.m. he could care less if I was alive???

    • Tammy, if I could explain teenagers I’d be a millionaire by now. The childcare part is easy. The right men don’t consider it babysitting. 🙂 As for cats, well, their job is to keep us guessing, keep us awake and keep us alert when they’re twining around our ankles at the top of the stairs in the middle of the night when we get up to go to the bathroom.

  3. Cathleen

    Self-serve checkout at the supermarket. When did I start working for the supermarket. Why do I not get a discount for doing their work.

    People who believe that I have a cell phone for their convenience, not mine.

  4. gr

    Swiffers. I used them when my toilet-training kids peed on the floor. No way was I using my real mop to clean that up.

    Culottes. You sound like my mother. Long, satin shorts on men/teenagers/boys are called basketball shorts, MB. Silly.

    Tip jars on counters? Oh my. I would be embarrassed to work behind that counter.

    I want to know why you’ve been bitching about Miracle Whip for so many years. What’s it done to you?

    • I stand by calling a culotte a culotte. I’ll call them basketball shorts when they’re worn on a basketball court. Although they aren’t quite as hideous as coaching shorts.

  5. Sue

    I’m with you on all of the above, M.B., but most particularly on the butt-showing boys. I saw a boy lose his shorts while doing a skateboard trick. Laughed myself sick.
    Unanswered questions. Hmmm. There are many but I’ll go with this one: why do people press the elevator/street crossing button numerous times? Whatever you’re waiting for, it ain’t comin’ any faster.

  6. Vic Cruikshank

    ‘splain to me why both political parties put those goddamn commercials on TV and think anybody listens to that crap. Just once I’d like to see an ad that says, “Yep, we’re all self-indulgent assholes, but we took all this money we would have spent on this shitty commercial and donated it to charity. At least that’s a reason to vote for us.”

    Oh, and Miracle Whip is a commie plot worse than canned tamales or shredded carrots in Jello. How about that?

  7. Janet

    Can anyone explain why adults go out in public wearing pajamas?

    • Don’t get me started. They should know better than to inflict their pjs and slippers on the unsuspecting public. And men should take their frigging hats off in restaurants.

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